As a partner of an alcoholic now in recovery, I am now able to look back at the chaos that the family endured for many years. At that time, the addiction was ‘in full flow’ our children were young and therefore as a parent I needed to do what I could to: protect them, somehow help my partner, and continue to pay the mortgage.
This balancing act at times seemed impossible and there were countless times when I could not keep all the plates spinning. On reflection, as bad as it was, I can see how it could have been much, much worse, thankfully our children managed to cope physically, but even today I can see the psychological impacts from the turmoil from time to time.
The addiction raged and impacted the whole family for around 5 years. During this time, there were many challenges, not least those around literally ‘dragging’ my partner back into rehab on several different occasions. Each time with a promise that they’d do anything to get well and leave the stuff alone. Sure, the rehab worked their magic, on physically detoxing my partner and providing a safe space for them to breathe and reflect, but just as importantly it gave myself and our children that same safe space to reset and recharge. I found it much easier with one less child to care for.
Eventually the cycle of destruction broke. This only happened when I (and my children) could not take this way of life anymore. The result was a total disengagement with my partner. For the first time of enduring the years of addiction and the chaos it brought to our family, I felt I had to let my partner go. We drove my partner to her parent’s house, dragged them out of the car and left them there. We were done, as guilty as I felt, it was easily overcome with the sense of relief and the burden of carrying this heavy weight of shame, holding things together and keeping secrets from loved ones, started to lift. They had lifted before, each time my partner went into rehab, but this time was different, this time it was for good.
Several weeks passed, and many phone calls took place with friends of my partner, telling me how cruel I had been to throw them out etc. Eventually after a few more weeks, I received a call from my partner telling me that they had taken themselves into rehab, which was a first, but also, had discharged themselves early, not like before to get more drink, but because they had finally reached the point where they had realised that their life, as it was, had no future. My partner went back to her parent’s house, continued her abstinence, and started to attend AA meetings.
Some weeks later, my partner asked to come back home and after discussing it with the children we decided that we would allow this, but only with strict boundaries in place and only on a trial basis. It took many more weeks of my partner sitting on the side-lines and watching me interact and look after the children, but eventually things started to become more ‘normal’ again.
My partner continued to go to several AA meetings a week and from my perspective, I decided from the outset that this was the right thing to do and never questioned with whom and how often she went. It was another way of me letting go and hoping that it would be for the greater good.
Looking back now, I think that it was only when our family completely ‘let go’ of my partner and cut all ties, did it give her the opportunity to realise that her life had changed immeasurably. Thankfully, my partner grabbed every opportunity with both hands and ran with it, although I knew it was so hard for her sometimes to listen to what she had done in the throes of addiction, feelings she had hurt, love for us that she had withdrawn due to the love for the bottle and drugs more, missed opportunities of being part of family life, my partner thankfully stuck with it and has done to this day.
Despite the many arguments, screaming matches, threats, empty promises, and tears over the years, it was only when my partner decided that enough was enough did that change begin. Ultimately, however much you, your family or friends may want someone to change, it will only ever come down to one person, the addict. It is only then, when THEY are ready to cast aside that life of destruction, will that change begin to take place.
I hope that you find ‘our story’ helpful and it may offer you just a small amount of faith that things can and will change, if THEY want it enough.
A thankful partner.